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| i feel like i'm back to the same person who is always running away from everyone in sight. i can't stop crying for a week. i tried not to talk to anyone but i realized that no matter how far i run, theirs always someone there who will eventually reach out to me. i think i could maybe use another getaway from the country again. i finally got the person i've always wanted but its just really bad timing. things have changed pretty fast within an hour, but my feelings haven't. i know i have to cope with this again. i think i'm just going to reset everything like a always do; cut my hair, rearrange my room, and just try to recover again. i feel empty but my heart isn't aching. oh wait... now it is. | | |
| Sooo i got into a car accident on friday on my way to my mothers work. this lady made a U turn on the opposite side of the traffic and hit me. I was on the left just driving straight trying to switch lanes and then BOOOOM. she kills my car and i thought i was going to die. my car went up on the should and almost hit the telephone pole and the electric box. i thought i was going to die. i felt like i was having a panick attack but i didnt call my mother. the lady got out of her car like nothing and indicated me to come out. I couldn't move at all, so i stayed inside for a littel bit, when i got out of the car, i felt myself about to faint in the middle of the road. Something leaked under my car but good thing it wasn't gas. (I assume) on sunday i was suppose to go on a date with one of my teammate. he never called and we has planned it for more than 3 months. yet another guy that bails out. AGAIN. i knew that he was probably just saying crap or just trying to make me get on him. whatever i guess. then Wednesday my "use to be" teammate planed on going on a date. AGAIN BAILED OUT AT THE EXACT MOMENT! he didn't call me, i had to call him. i already knew that he would bail out and i even said that he would. he said he isn't "shady" and different from the guys but i was right all along. he is like all of those guys.... That same day, i called up one of my friend since i remembered that i had promised him. i was glad that he just got off of work and we went to Lake Elizabeth. we sat on the dock, walked around, then sat on the swings. after that we ate at elephant bar. we talked about our future and what we wanted to pursue in our future, plans, and what was happening in our lives. after we ordered out food, my friend asked me if this is a date. I had to believe so, and he did too. I guess our hangout was more of a date than a hangout. HAH!! He made my day. what i like about him is that i'm comfortable around him, we share some things in common, have goals, and i'm always having a good time when i'm with him.
Today my elder uncle passed away. i woke up hearing my mother crying and i knew what already happened, i didn't need to ask. she told me that he was in the hospital yesterday night after football practice. i knew what was going to happen, i don't know how my aunt and cousin is going to deal with it. its hard for all of my family because they moved from hawaii just less than half a year. today wasn't as mournful as i thought it would be but sad. my mother told me that she saw his spirit rise to heaven. it was exactly 8 hours before he left, it was very interesting, and she told me that he was happy and he doesn't have to suffer from pain. i layed in bed for hours and read my bible that one of my good friend gave me. i read some versus and went to the doctors for a physical from the car accident. sooo i'm bruised up from the accident, and the doctor said my shoulder and thumb was inflamed, and from the impact the car hit. yeah..... i didn't realized i was bruised till later on. i have to do some physical therapy for my neck and shoulder. what a pain in the jerk face! *sigh* The lady that hit me wants to put the fault on me. its very obvious that it isn't my fault. my dad said things that made me felt bad, but when he asked me what the doctor said, he left my room and didn't say anything at all. | | |
| about college... so far i've been asked to go on a date by majority of my teammates on the football team. one of them wont stop reminding me of the date of when we are suppose to go out. tonight i got asked out by an old crush. the thing is that i dont know if i should go because i've seen him with other girls on dates. i think he's just a typical football player like the rest of them who's just trying to "get booty".... he already doesnt want me web camming with anyone but him... he really wants to go out soon.
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| I've been thinking lately. I have feelings for someone, but one of my fears is falling in love. I think i'm close enough to that stage but if things turn around like breaking up, I have a feeling that I'm going to fall like during freshman year. Or I just might be thiniking too much. Things are going well for me though but I just feel a littel empty today. I havent told anyone how I felt, I just rather not and see how things go. Prom is coming up, i'm sort of nervouse but excited. For some reason, it feels like i'm reliving my nightmare. But i just dont know yet. | | |
| i'm so mad, i feel like just running some where for probbly 16 hours and then come back. sux i dont drive yet cuz dad wont let me. and then i was called fat for 3 weeks when i know i'm not fat. i feel like being annorexic again but yet, if i do i'll kill myself on the field from getting smashed by the linemens. i rejected my after dinner snacks and rejected early morning snacks too. i'm suppose to eat 6 meals a day, but i guess i can't anymore. i can already feel my stomach chewing on its self. it hurts like a bitch. i dont know how am i going to get ready for varsity football when all i'm going to hear is that i'm a fat ass, with a huge shoulders and still look the same during freshman year. i feel so depressed that no one in my family understands how much i put alot of efort to get muscles and make it in to varsity. i dont even think they like me bc i made it to modeling. they never said anything to me since Christmas 2 years ago. | | |
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